You’re a coward!

There are so many things I want to know, so many things I want to say to him, but my insecurities hold me back. What if he doesn’t feel the same that I do? What if it was just nothing to him? Why must I look like a fool in front of him? Besides, Im doing better now so I might as well just ignore this and just keep moving forward right?

Somehow I just want to know that he’s also putting up a front. That he’s just pretending to be okay. That deep down inside, he regrets it.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I hated him. But I don’t. I really, really don’t hate him. I can’t hate him.

All I can say is:

You’re a coward. Not because you couldn’t tell me you didn’t want to be with me for whatever reason. But you’re a coward because you were too scared to try. You were too scared to try to see that we would have been good. We would have been great.

Breath of fresh air

It’s been a while since I last felt anything for anyone. Since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been stuck in relationship (or lack thereof) limbo. I was always either pining for him, or just coasting through life pretending to be okay with being alone, or swearing off love altogether.

About 2 months ago, something happened to me that I didn’t quite expect. I met someone. Well, not really, but sort of. It’s too complicated to explain, but let’s just say I literally felt my heart beat again. I’m not sure if it was just good timing, or if it was really because we seemed to hit it off right away.

All I know is, he puts a smile on my face every time I talk to him and I always look forward to the next time I get to talk to him. It’s silly. It’s crazy. It’s something I never imagined would happen to me because it’s the kind of thing I used to make fun of other people for.

The thing is, it’s not really the most plausible idea considering the circumstances, but the hopeless romantic in me says “who cares?!”

I’m not saying I’m in love, but I feel something–maybe it’s infatuation, or maybe just an odd fixation. Maybe it’s not even him–perhaps it’s just the idea of having an object of affection that’s got me hooked.

Regardless of what happens to this whole thing, I think I know why our paths crossed. He was sent to me for a reason, and that’s to let me know that my heart isn’t dead after all. He symbolizes all the possibilities that I forgot even existed. And for that, I will always be grateful.

In all honesty, I don’t have high hopes for “us” at this point considering how disgustingly cheesy and corny I’ve been with him lately. I think I let my guard down too fast and it’s so hard to recover! I should have played it cool and kept the whole sexy, flirty thing going rather than showing him my dorky side! Ugh! I think I shot myself in the foot with this one! Oh well, what can I say? I’m too expressive for my own good sometimes! It’s so hard for me to contain myself when I get excited about something, or in this case, someone.

Anyway, he’s just really too cute for words. And too sweet. And funny, too. I’ve never met anyone like him. And trust me, I’ve met A LOT of guys. He’s just… a breath of fresh air.=)

Just a replacement

I miss love. I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you just to ask how you felt today. Going online on facebook to ask about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die.

I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to. I learned to love myself more than anyone and anything. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Will I even get pass the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

Finally

I’m smiling again.

 People kept telling me that this day would eventually come, but I seriously had my doubts.

 While I’m not quite ready yet to get involved with anyone else, I’m okay just working on my relationship with ME. Yes, I could get in a meaningless thing with some guy, but that’s not me. I thought about it, especially when I sort of found out that HE was seeing someone new. But you know what? I didn’t want to do something just to get even, because if so, I’d be doing it FOR HIM, still. Thank God for Gossip Girl, and that line from Blair Waldorf, “Someday I know I’d kiss somebody, and when I do it, it will be for me”. I admit, it did sting that he moved on so quickly. But there’s nothing I can do about that. He chose to do that. And I choose to stay true to what my heart tells me.

 We all cope in different ways. Funny, though, how it’s only now that I’m learning to cope the right way. I used to be the one to jump from one relationship to another, from one guy to the next. It worked for me then, but it didn’t prepare me for this. So now, here I am, letting myself heal the right way… Teaching myself to forget someone I really, truly loved. Okay, forgetting him completely might be too ambitious, but at least forgetting the possibility of us ending up together.

 For a long time I held on to the thought of us getting back together eventually. The thought that he would come to his senses, realize what a fool he was for letting me go, and do everything he can to win me back. The thought that he would never find anything that would measure up to what we had. Sure, those thoughts provided me some much needed comfort. BUT, they also prevented me from looking ahead and seeing that there might be something better out there for me.

 I resisted change. I kept telling him, myself, and everyone who would listen that I WAS SURE HE WAS THE ONE. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was just meant to teach me a thing or two about love?A part of me still hopes to see him rueful one day. But that day may never come, and if it doesn’t, I’m glad that I can say at this point that I think I’d be fine.

Moving on is as much a state of mind as it is a choice.  I’m embarrassed that it took me a harsh reality check (a confrontation/talk withn him while his new girl was there watching everything) to finally decide that it was time to let go. It was time to salvage what dignity I had left.

 

 

Cutting connections for the mean time

I wanna have a new start.

I wish I could just leave the country and start fresh in another place. A place where I know no one, a place where I know I wouldnt run into you or our friends, a place wherein I wouldnt have to close my eyes and miss you whenever I’d hangout in places we’d usually go or eat at, a place where I could breathe again, a place where I wouldnt be reminded of you. But I cant leave, it’s not as simple as that. It’s not as easy as how the movies make it seem.

This moving on process is too much for me.

For two months Ive been doing the “so-called” steps in the process of moving on yet I have made no progress. My friends would tell me that I wasnt trying hard enough but God knows I have. And so everyday I try to think of a solution to my misery and hope that my new ideas would eventually work.

Last week, Ive made a big decision. I decided to cut communication with ALL our common friends for the mean time ( well, originally all our common friends are yours not mine). It’s not something that I would usually do but cutting off from all possible forms of communication was the best thing that I could think of to avoid questions leading to “How are you?” or “How are you and…?”. I haven’t been replying to my friends’ messages, deactivated all my social networks such as my facebook and twitter, haven’t been going to whatever was going down that Friday/Saturday night, and have been avoiding places I know I’d see people I know. This was the only way I could have a new start.
It’s selfish I know. All our friends, they’ve become so close to me, to my heart and they’ve been there for me in every step, every challenge, joy and pain Ive been through ever since they became my friends as well. Some were even like the sisters I never had..but the thing is Ive met them through you and you too are close to their hearts. I wouldnt want to steal them from you since you are theirs truly and so for the mean time I’m cutting connections.

Im just doing this because I really want to start fresh, I want to hear nothing about you. Nothing.

With this, maybe moving on would easier.

Lost

I wanna scream

I wanna cut myself open

and watch the blood drain the ache from my raging heart

I wanna be punished

drink to oblivion

I wanna lose myself in a moment with a random guy

but I won’t do any of it …

Instead I let my tears

bring cooling relief to my heart

as little by little they slide down hot cheeks

I’ll search for answers and find the lesson in my heart

why this had to be

and I’ll pray to stop wanting you back

or for you to see with my eyes

the beauty of you

the beauty of me

and the wonderful thing that was us.