I just had to let this out..

I feel that i need to tell this to someone. Actually not just someone- but to everyone. Everyone who needs to hear this because I’m so sick of keeping my mouth shut about it.

My close friend has been going through a break with her boyfriend. I’m not even going to give her the title of calling it a break up because it wouldn’t be fair to people who have actually been through a break up. They are completely predictable as a couple and it goes a little something like this. Girl and Boy love each other, girl get’s annoyed with boy and wants to be single, OR boy feels like she isn’t the one- so boy and girl fight a lot, and i mean A LOT and thus they end up in a break. However after a week, or a month tops, they’re right back into their beautifully effed up relationship acting like the world is perfect and they’ve made the biggest mistakes of their lives by parting. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It’s pathetic to watch, really. And honestly, this isn’t the only friend I’ve seen do this. My other friend is broken up with her boyfriend but spends every second with him still. I mean- HELLO! – why did you even break up to begin with? I see it all the time. Even people i don’t know. It’s like clockwork with some people. They’re broken up- no back together- oh wait, now they’re broken up- aaaand back together!

Call me bitter, but it makes me so mad to see it sometimes. Especially when my friend comes crying to me. I know i should be a great friend and listen, and don’t get me wrong… i do; i sit there and listen and offer my best advice from the heart but deep down inside i just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her compulsively while screaming “you have no idea!”. Because really, she doesn’t have any idea. None of these back and forth couples do. They have no idea what it’s like to be completely ripped and pushed away from someone you love and be forced to let go…to have to deal with the pain that comes with someone giving up on you and wanting nothing to do with you ever again, just like that. I know i shouldn’t care but this is why: I’ve been through that kind of break up. I had my heart literally ripped from my chest, through the ribs, thrown on the floor in front of me, stepped on, spit on, and kicked. Twice. By the same boy. I was so completely heart broken i couldn’t function, and truthfully, i’m still healing even months later. It killed me. So seeing all of these couples get back together, or make a huge fuss when they’re on a break because to them it’s the end of the world to even think of letting go, even though realistically they’ll be back with each other in a month give or take, makes me want to roll my eyes or smack them in the head. Sometimes i wish it could be me. ¬†And i sometimes look at these couples that get back together and i still wish it could be me. That like all the other guys i see, my ex will come busting through my door with a bouquet of roses and tears in his pathetic eyes, begging to start something over again. But you know what? It didn’t happen for me and it will never happen for me and that’s something that makes you strong.

So this one goes out to all of the people how have been broken but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go.

This one is for you. We’ll get our happy ending someday.


Who is to blame?

It’s been a few weeks. Strange, as I still have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I’ve yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I’m a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they “saw”.

I’ve been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn’t taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance and that everything would be back to normal. But I guess that one night wasnt enough for him to realize I was the girl he would fight for. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me good. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn’t be in his arms. And I’d feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn’t know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now.

All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don’t know whether it’s all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I would fight for him no matter what happens as long as he still loves me. It was wrong, too stupid of me, to fight when he doesnt even want me to stay anymore. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the idea of love being “enough to conquer all” in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it’s Nicholas Sparks or lifetime.

Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I’ll leave you with this:

Maybe the blame is too much for one person to carry. Perhaps there’s multiple sources. Maybe it’s just me and him alone. Maybe it’s a little of everything I’ve said.

Then again, perhaps it’s all perspective.