I will fall in love again..

One day, I will fall in love again. It won’t be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, eventually. And when I do, I plan to fall madly, passionately, unabashedly, head-over-heels in love—AGAIN.

 I’m saying again because I already felt that way once. I’m positive that I already had a great love in this lifetime—but just because I did doesn’t mean I can’t have another one.

 I’ve been so resistant to even just the thought of finding new love and I think I’ve finally figured out why. While I didn’t want to settle for someone that would make me feel less than I did for him, I was more scared that I might actually find someone who would make me feel MORE. I was convinced that my past relationship was more epic than everyone else’s—or at least right up there with the greats. (Think Romeo and Juliet, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Carrie and Big, etc.) I still am. I guess only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong… But now I know that it doesn’t even matter.

 I don’t know what it’s going to be like next time I fall in love. It might be just as great, or it might just turn out to be beyond-my-wildest-dreams-GREATER. But whatever it may be, it’s not going to rewrite history and change how much I felt for great love # 1.

 That’s not necessarily bad for great love # 2 or 3 or so on…

 I didn’t say all those things because I’m not over him, but because I have finally accepted that it’s over between us. FINALLY.

 I admit, I’m not totally over him—but I’m getting there. I say that not in a pathetic, self-soothing manner, but in an honest to goodness HOPEFUL way. I think a nudge in the right direction might be all I need at this point.

 I know there might still be a handful of wrong men the universe will throw in my direction before I get to be with THE ONE, but I look forward to them all. I’m just so excited to feel something for someone else again.

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This is getting really old

PERPLEXED. Nothing best describes how I feel about what happened between us better than that. I can barely remember what we talked about the last time. All I remember is you telling me how you weren’t happy anymore, and how you didnt want me to fight for us, and how it might be better for us to just be friends, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 FRIENDS. Yeah, right. I believe you cant be friends RIGHT AWAY with your ex. Especially if you’re still in-love with him/her. I cant pretend to be your friend when I know I want to be more than that. I cant stand seeing you happy and dating new girls and pretend that it’s alright with me because its not. I cant be your friend because you’ve hurt me, because you’ve disappointed me and because you gave up on me.  We cant be friends, just NOT NOW. Maybe we can be friends when Ive moved on completely, when Im not hurt and angry anymore for what you did to me, when I fully accept that we can no longer be together anymore, when I can finally say that “Im happy for you” with sincerity when I see you with your new girl. When Im ready, I’ll come around and mybe by then, we can be FRIENDS.

US. There’s no more us. And chances are, there won’t be an “us” in the near future. You don’t seem to be interested at all in working things out or reconnecting, or pretty much having to do anything with me at all. And honestly, I’m tired of trying.

 TIRED. I’m so tired of trying to figure things out; trying to understand what to believe and what not to believe. I’m so tired of seeing you all the time and seeing a completely different person each time. In fact, just thinking of you completely tires me out that I just wind up pushing away thoughts of you.

 THOUGHTS. Sometimes I get these thoughts… What if one day you realize you made a mistake when you decided to end it? What if one day you decide you want to get back together? Truth is, I’m not even sure I would want you to. I’m not even sure I would take you back.

 TRUTH. The truth is, I still love you. I think I always will. But the truth is, maybe we’re both really better off without each other. The truth is, I hope I’ll stop caring and writing about you ‘cause this is getting really old.

Finally

I’m smiling again.

 People kept telling me that this day would eventually come, but I seriously had my doubts.

 While I’m not quite ready yet to get involved with anyone else, I’m okay just working on my relationship with ME. Yes, I could get in a meaningless thing with some guy, but that’s not me. I thought about it, especially when I sort of found out that HE was seeing someone new. But you know what? I didn’t want to do something just to get even, because if so, I’d be doing it FOR HIM, still. Thank God for Gossip Girl, and that line from Blair Waldorf, “Someday I know I’d kiss somebody, and when I do it, it will be for me”. I admit, it did sting that he moved on so quickly. But there’s nothing I can do about that. He chose to do that. And I choose to stay true to what my heart tells me.

 We all cope in different ways. Funny, though, how it’s only now that I’m learning to cope the right way. I used to be the one to jump from one relationship to another, from one guy to the next. It worked for me then, but it didn’t prepare me for this. So now, here I am, letting myself heal the right way… Teaching myself to forget someone I really, truly loved. Okay, forgetting him completely might be too ambitious, but at least forgetting the possibility of us ending up together.

 For a long time I held on to the thought of us getting back together eventually. The thought that he would come to his senses, realize what a fool he was for letting me go, and do everything he can to win me back. The thought that he would never find anything that would measure up to what we had. Sure, those thoughts provided me some much needed comfort. BUT, they also prevented me from looking ahead and seeing that there might be something better out there for me.

 I resisted change. I kept telling him, myself, and everyone who would listen that I WAS SURE HE WAS THE ONE. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was just meant to teach me a thing or two about love?A part of me still hopes to see him rueful one day. But that day may never come, and if it doesn’t, I’m glad that I can say at this point that I think I’d be fine.

Moving on is as much a state of mind as it is a choice.  I’m embarrassed that it took me a harsh reality check (a confrontation/talk withn him while his new girl was there watching everything) to finally decide that it was time to let go. It was time to salvage what dignity I had left.

 

 

Why a Broken Heart Literally Hurts

A lot of sayings have some literal truth in them – and indeed this is where the inspiration for those sayings often comes from. For instance when you say that you’ve got a ‘broken heart’ this means that you have been upset by a loss or the end of a relationship – but the inspiration for this is likely to come from the fact that this is often literally what that kind of loss feels like. Of course your heart isn’t really broken – that would be a rather fatal condition – but it really can feel as though it’s been bruised or shattered.

Cutting connections for the mean time

I wanna have a new start.

I wish I could just leave the country and start fresh in another place. A place where I know no one, a place where I know I wouldnt run into you or our friends, a place wherein I wouldnt have to close my eyes and miss you whenever I’d hangout in places we’d usually go or eat at, a place where I could breathe again, a place where I wouldnt be reminded of you. But I cant leave, it’s not as simple as that. It’s not as easy as how the movies make it seem.

This moving on process is too much for me.

For two months Ive been doing the “so-called” steps in the process of moving on yet I have made no progress. My friends would tell me that I wasnt trying hard enough but God knows I have. And so everyday I try to think of a solution to my misery and hope that my new ideas would eventually work.

Last week, Ive made a big decision. I decided to cut communication with ALL our common friends for the mean time ( well, originally all our common friends are yours not mine). It’s not something that I would usually do but cutting off from all possible forms of communication was the best thing that I could think of to avoid questions leading to “How are you?” or “How are you and…?”. I haven’t been replying to my friends’ messages, deactivated all my social networks such as my facebook and twitter, haven’t been going to whatever was going down that Friday/Saturday night, and have been avoiding places I know I’d see people I know. This was the only way I could have a new start.
It’s selfish I know. All our friends, they’ve become so close to me, to my heart and they’ve been there for me in every step, every challenge, joy and pain Ive been through ever since they became my friends as well. Some were even like the sisters I never had..but the thing is Ive met them through you and you too are close to their hearts. I wouldnt want to steal them from you since you are theirs truly and so for the mean time I’m cutting connections.

Im just doing this because I really want to start fresh, I want to hear nothing about you. Nothing.

With this, maybe moving on would easier.

Who is to blame?

It’s been a few weeks. Strange, as I still have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I’ve yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I’m a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they “saw”.

I’ve been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn’t taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance and that everything would be back to normal. But I guess that one night wasnt enough for him to realize I was the girl he would fight for. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me good. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn’t be in his arms. And I’d feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn’t know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now.

All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don’t know whether it’s all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I would fight for him no matter what happens as long as he still loves me. It was wrong, too stupid of me, to fight when he doesnt even want me to stay anymore. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the idea of love being “enough to conquer all” in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it’s Nicholas Sparks or lifetime.

Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I’ll leave you with this:

Maybe the blame is too much for one person to carry. Perhaps there’s multiple sources. Maybe it’s just me and him alone. Maybe it’s a little of everything I’ve said.

Then again, perhaps it’s all perspective.

Lost

I wanna scream

I wanna cut myself open

and watch the blood drain the ache from my raging heart

I wanna be punished

drink to oblivion

I wanna lose myself in a moment with a random guy

but I won’t do any of it …

Instead I let my tears

bring cooling relief to my heart

as little by little they slide down hot cheeks

I’ll search for answers and find the lesson in my heart

why this had to be

and I’ll pray to stop wanting you back

or for you to see with my eyes

the beauty of you

the beauty of me

and the wonderful thing that was us.

In all honesty…

In all honesty

I miss you more than ever.
I miss the way my name sounded when you said it.
I miss how much you teased me.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss the way you kissed me.
I miss seeing you smile and laugh with me.
I miss being your reason to smile.
I miss being your girl.
I miss your friends.
I miss watching movies with you.
I miss lying in bed with you.
I miss tickling you.
I miss your laugh, your funny weird gay laugh.
I miss the way you would sing to me, even though you know you sounded pathetic.
I miss your voice.
I haven’t heard your voice in a week.
I miss it.
I miss being in love with you.
I miss you being in love with me.
I miss talking to you.
I miss telling you everything.
I miss being your best friend.
I miss the smell of your perfume.
I miss the texture of your hair.
I miss staring into your eyes,
I miss having you stare into mine.
I miss how you repeat the silly stuff I say.
I miss your lips.
I miss kissing you.
I miss the way our tongues would wrap around each other.
I miss feeling your hands on my lower back.
I miss feeling them everywhere.
I miss wrestling with you.
I miss hugging you.
I miss cuddling.
I miss being told how beautiful I am by you,
you made me believe it.
I miss having someone to love with all that I am.
I miss having you.
I miss all the good times.
I miss waiting for you to come to me at my place.

I miss your calls every time you were on your way home from school.
I miss swimming with you.
I miss your arms.
I miss walking around with you.

I  miss everything, but I have to accept the fact I can no longer be with you and you can no longer be with me. All I can do is just miss you and do nothing.

And it hurts because I know you’re not feeling the same.

The good ones will always stay

You make them. You get to know them. You learn to understand them. You grow to love them. You protect and defend them. You may lose them, it depends. You move on. There’s nothing you can do. But your real friends, they wont leave you NO MATTER WHAT.

Your friends mean the world to you at some point in time. You can relate to them, they can relate to you. They are your family. Your brothers. Your sisters. Yet with one action with one phrase what took years to establish, it can be easily toppled down.

You guys no longer hangout. No longer talk. You miss them. You hate them. You love them. You move on. Friends will come and go. But the memories stay forever and the good ones will always stay.