Not again

There’s this boy.

There’s this boy that I thought I was over with already. A few nights ago when I saw him again after months, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t.

It’s you.

Our relationship was quite a mess. We were committed to one another at some point and we were in each other’s lives for two years. At least you were in mine for two full years. In my mind and in my dreams.

I was never over you. I know that now.

All the breaks we had, where we didn’t talk – I was still thinking about you all those times. We were only together when you wanted us to be. The rest of the time I was just waiting for you to want me again. Longing to hear those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. Waiting for your hand to be back in mine.

Two years of good times and bad.

But then you got a girl and we stopped talking.

I was with this other guy. I was over you. Of course I was. I rarely even thought about you anymore.

Then the other night I saw you. We barely talked. But I’m used to that. No talking and then suddenly we were back in each other’s lives.

God, you are so hard to figure out. But I think I got you figured out this time.

Now I’ve got all these feeling back in my body. Feelings I thought I no longer had – but know now that I’d just hidden away in a tiny box and kept in my heart (and maybe forgotten a little bit about.)

The other day, just seeing you and being in your presence opened that box, and along with the wondering came nostalgic thoughts of you and us, which have now filled up my heart. My heart pumps all these feelings through my body, and I am desperately trying to squish them back into the little box, so it doesn’t hurt so much. The feelings won’t go away, but at least when I keep them in one place, it’s not as painful as when I have them pumping through my every vein.

Just please, do not open the box.

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I just had to let this out..

I feel that i need to tell this to someone. Actually not just someone- but to everyone. Everyone who needs to hear this because I’m so sick of keeping my mouth shut about it.

My close friend has been going through a break with her boyfriend. I’m not even going to give her the title of calling it a break up because it wouldn’t be fair to people who have actually been through a break up. They are completely predictable as a couple and it goes a little something like this. Girl and Boy love each other, girl get’s annoyed with boy and wants to be single, OR boy feels like she isn’t the one- so boy and girl fight a lot, and i mean A LOT and thus they end up in a break. However after a week, or a month tops, they’re right back into their beautifully effed up relationship acting like the world is perfect and they’ve made the biggest mistakes of their lives by parting. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It’s pathetic to watch, really. And honestly, this isn’t the only friend I’ve seen do this. My other friend is broken up with her boyfriend but spends every second with him still. I mean- HELLO! – why did you even break up to begin with? I see it all the time. Even people i don’t know. It’s like clockwork with some people. They’re broken up- no back together- oh wait, now they’re broken up- aaaand back together!

Call me bitter, but it makes me so mad to see it sometimes. Especially when my friend comes crying to me. I know i should be a great friend and listen, and don’t get me wrong… i do; i sit there and listen and offer my best advice from the heart but deep down inside i just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her compulsively while screaming “you have no idea!”. Because really, she doesn’t have any idea. None of these back and forth couples do. They have no idea what it’s like to be completely ripped and pushed away from someone you love and be forced to let go…to have to deal with the pain that comes with someone giving up on you and wanting nothing to do with you ever again, just like that. I know i shouldn’t care but this is why: I’ve been through that kind of break up. I had my heart literally ripped from my chest, through the ribs, thrown on the floor in front of me, stepped on, spit on, and kicked. Twice. By the same boy. I was so completely heart broken i couldn’t function, and truthfully, i’m still healing even months later. It killed me. So seeing all of these couples get back together, or make a huge fuss when they’re on a break because to them it’s the end of the world to even think of letting go, even though realistically they’ll be back with each other in a month give or take, makes me want to roll my eyes or smack them in the head. Sometimes i wish it could be me.  And i sometimes look at these couples that get back together and i still wish it could be me. That like all the other guys i see, my ex will come busting through my door with a bouquet of roses and tears in his pathetic eyes, begging to start something over again. But you know what? It didn’t happen for me and it will never happen for me and that’s something that makes you strong.

So this one goes out to all of the people how have been broken but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go.

This one is for you. We’ll get our happy ending someday.

This one is for me

I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.

From now on I’m walking forward and I am moving forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope that we will get back together, because honestly I dont want us to. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.

You loved me but you couldnt give up all the other things such as your freedom to save what we had. You couldnt decide if you still wanted me or not, you couldnt fight for me because youre too confused of what you really want in your life and what disappoints me is that you always put the blame on me even when we know it wasnt.

You’re young and you want to experience all the good things in life, youre having fun and that’s all that matters to you now. Youre not ready for a relationship, for commitment. Like you said, you couldnt decide yet is you still wanted me or not so I made the decision. I couldnt always be there for you.I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.

I’ve stopped dwelling. I’ve stopped looking for you. I’ve been moving on. I’ve been meeting people. I’ve been living my life.I’ve been doing this for the last couple months and I can say I’m doing really well.

I’ve been trying to forget how I felt about you.

If you really wanted me, if you missed me, if you couldnt  breathe without me, you would’ve  known. You would’ve ringed. You would’ve texted. You would’ve said so. But there were no calls,  no texts, nothing. And so I will continue moving on. And I’m walking tall.

However, lately it somehow irritates me, that now that I’m doing better you suddenly ring, suddenly text and suddenly send me these drunk text messages..but I wont let it affect me.

I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learned. I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.

My First Love

You were my first love, and first loves are hard to forget. I truly believe that the first person you fall in love with will always have a piece of your heart. It’s never whole again- no matter how much you move on, how many more people you fall in love with, or how much you give to the next person- there’s something special about the first time you give your heart away. Or maybe it’s because your first love usually ends up in your first real heartbreak and you never quite get all of the pieces back.

I don’t know what kept me with you for those 2 years. I was young, naive, and immature i guess. But i loved you. Oh man, did I love you. I think i would have fought to be with you until i couldn’t go on. I would have been content being with you and only you forever and ever. But you didn’t feel the same. And to fight any longer would be foolish. You gave up on me not once, but twice, and it broke me down more and more. You treated me terrible in those last few weeks, as if I were a stranger you never even cared about. You left me a ghost. You left me broken.

It took so long for me to get back on my own two feet and finally feel anything again. And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase…time heals. But healing doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It’s like a scar. There’s the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you’d rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it’s never gone. There’s always something to remind you.

And then I met him, and he swept me off my feet. He made me laugh, he listened to me and all my stories, he was fun and cute and I actually don’t think of you when I’m with him. Everything that hurt finally went away with a flash of his smile and with the touch of his hand. I like him but every now and then you slip into my dreams, out of nowhere, just like in real life and in my dreams I miss you.

I’m over you, I am, I worked way too hard at it not to be. But when I get a text alert at 2:30 in the morning, and I see your name on the caller ID, my head and heart start a war. I don’t think it’s love, i think it’s missing who you were.

But for some reason tonight, it hit me hard. You know me way too well not to know how to win my heart, even for five seconds. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for what you did to me back when. I hate you for making me second guess the perfection I feel now. I hate you for never really disappearing from my life. I hate you for having the nerve to ever even think I’d take you back. I hate you for your late night texts. I hate you for who you’ve become. I hate you for it all.
And maybe I’d never admit it, to you or myself out loud, but…I just have a weird feeling that our story isn’t over. But clearly I’m the only one thinking that.

Just a replacement

I miss love. I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you just to ask how you felt today. Going online on facebook to ask about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die.

I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to. I learned to love myself more than anyone and anything. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Will I even get pass the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

I will fall in love again..

One day, I will fall in love again. It won’t be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, eventually. And when I do, I plan to fall madly, passionately, unabashedly, head-over-heels in love—AGAIN.

 I’m saying again because I already felt that way once. I’m positive that I already had a great love in this lifetime—but just because I did doesn’t mean I can’t have another one.

 I’ve been so resistant to even just the thought of finding new love and I think I’ve finally figured out why. While I didn’t want to settle for someone that would make me feel less than I did for him, I was more scared that I might actually find someone who would make me feel MORE. I was convinced that my past relationship was more epic than everyone else’s—or at least right up there with the greats. (Think Romeo and Juliet, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Carrie and Big, etc.) I still am. I guess only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong… But now I know that it doesn’t even matter.

 I don’t know what it’s going to be like next time I fall in love. It might be just as great, or it might just turn out to be beyond-my-wildest-dreams-GREATER. But whatever it may be, it’s not going to rewrite history and change how much I felt for great love # 1.

 That’s not necessarily bad for great love # 2 or 3 or so on…

 I didn’t say all those things because I’m not over him, but because I have finally accepted that it’s over between us. FINALLY.

 I admit, I’m not totally over him—but I’m getting there. I say that not in a pathetic, self-soothing manner, but in an honest to goodness HOPEFUL way. I think a nudge in the right direction might be all I need at this point.

 I know there might still be a handful of wrong men the universe will throw in my direction before I get to be with THE ONE, but I look forward to them all. I’m just so excited to feel something for someone else again.

This is getting really old

PERPLEXED. Nothing best describes how I feel about what happened between us better than that. I can barely remember what we talked about the last time. All I remember is you telling me how you weren’t happy anymore, and how you didnt want me to fight for us, and how it might be better for us to just be friends, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 FRIENDS. Yeah, right. I believe you cant be friends RIGHT AWAY with your ex. Especially if you’re still in-love with him/her. I cant pretend to be your friend when I know I want to be more than that. I cant stand seeing you happy and dating new girls and pretend that it’s alright with me because its not. I cant be your friend because you’ve hurt me, because you’ve disappointed me and because you gave up on me.  We cant be friends, just NOT NOW. Maybe we can be friends when Ive moved on completely, when Im not hurt and angry anymore for what you did to me, when I fully accept that we can no longer be together anymore, when I can finally say that “Im happy for you” with sincerity when I see you with your new girl. When Im ready, I’ll come around and mybe by then, we can be FRIENDS.

US. There’s no more us. And chances are, there won’t be an “us” in the near future. You don’t seem to be interested at all in working things out or reconnecting, or pretty much having to do anything with me at all. And honestly, I’m tired of trying.

 TIRED. I’m so tired of trying to figure things out; trying to understand what to believe and what not to believe. I’m so tired of seeing you all the time and seeing a completely different person each time. In fact, just thinking of you completely tires me out that I just wind up pushing away thoughts of you.

 THOUGHTS. Sometimes I get these thoughts… What if one day you realize you made a mistake when you decided to end it? What if one day you decide you want to get back together? Truth is, I’m not even sure I would want you to. I’m not even sure I would take you back.

 TRUTH. The truth is, I still love you. I think I always will. But the truth is, maybe we’re both really better off without each other. The truth is, I hope I’ll stop caring and writing about you ‘cause this is getting really old.

Finally

I’m smiling again.

 People kept telling me that this day would eventually come, but I seriously had my doubts.

 While I’m not quite ready yet to get involved with anyone else, I’m okay just working on my relationship with ME. Yes, I could get in a meaningless thing with some guy, but that’s not me. I thought about it, especially when I sort of found out that HE was seeing someone new. But you know what? I didn’t want to do something just to get even, because if so, I’d be doing it FOR HIM, still. Thank God for Gossip Girl, and that line from Blair Waldorf, “Someday I know I’d kiss somebody, and when I do it, it will be for me”. I admit, it did sting that he moved on so quickly. But there’s nothing I can do about that. He chose to do that. And I choose to stay true to what my heart tells me.

 We all cope in different ways. Funny, though, how it’s only now that I’m learning to cope the right way. I used to be the one to jump from one relationship to another, from one guy to the next. It worked for me then, but it didn’t prepare me for this. So now, here I am, letting myself heal the right way… Teaching myself to forget someone I really, truly loved. Okay, forgetting him completely might be too ambitious, but at least forgetting the possibility of us ending up together.

 For a long time I held on to the thought of us getting back together eventually. The thought that he would come to his senses, realize what a fool he was for letting me go, and do everything he can to win me back. The thought that he would never find anything that would measure up to what we had. Sure, those thoughts provided me some much needed comfort. BUT, they also prevented me from looking ahead and seeing that there might be something better out there for me.

 I resisted change. I kept telling him, myself, and everyone who would listen that I WAS SURE HE WAS THE ONE. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was just meant to teach me a thing or two about love?A part of me still hopes to see him rueful one day. But that day may never come, and if it doesn’t, I’m glad that I can say at this point that I think I’d be fine.

Moving on is as much a state of mind as it is a choice.  I’m embarrassed that it took me a harsh reality check (a confrontation/talk withn him while his new girl was there watching everything) to finally decide that it was time to let go. It was time to salvage what dignity I had left.

 

 

Cutting connections for the mean time

I wanna have a new start.

I wish I could just leave the country and start fresh in another place. A place where I know no one, a place where I know I wouldnt run into you or our friends, a place wherein I wouldnt have to close my eyes and miss you whenever I’d hangout in places we’d usually go or eat at, a place where I could breathe again, a place where I wouldnt be reminded of you. But I cant leave, it’s not as simple as that. It’s not as easy as how the movies make it seem.

This moving on process is too much for me.

For two months Ive been doing the “so-called” steps in the process of moving on yet I have made no progress. My friends would tell me that I wasnt trying hard enough but God knows I have. And so everyday I try to think of a solution to my misery and hope that my new ideas would eventually work.

Last week, Ive made a big decision. I decided to cut communication with ALL our common friends for the mean time ( well, originally all our common friends are yours not mine). It’s not something that I would usually do but cutting off from all possible forms of communication was the best thing that I could think of to avoid questions leading to “How are you?” or “How are you and…?”. I haven’t been replying to my friends’ messages, deactivated all my social networks such as my facebook and twitter, haven’t been going to whatever was going down that Friday/Saturday night, and have been avoiding places I know I’d see people I know. This was the only way I could have a new start.
It’s selfish I know. All our friends, they’ve become so close to me, to my heart and they’ve been there for me in every step, every challenge, joy and pain Ive been through ever since they became my friends as well. Some were even like the sisters I never had..but the thing is Ive met them through you and you too are close to their hearts. I wouldnt want to steal them from you since you are theirs truly and so for the mean time I’m cutting connections.

Im just doing this because I really want to start fresh, I want to hear nothing about you. Nothing.

With this, maybe moving on would easier.

Who is to blame?

It’s been a few weeks. Strange, as I still have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I’ve yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I’m a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they “saw”.

I’ve been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn’t taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance and that everything would be back to normal. But I guess that one night wasnt enough for him to realize I was the girl he would fight for. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me good. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn’t be in his arms. And I’d feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn’t know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now.

All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don’t know whether it’s all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I would fight for him no matter what happens as long as he still loves me. It was wrong, too stupid of me, to fight when he doesnt even want me to stay anymore. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the idea of love being “enough to conquer all” in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it’s Nicholas Sparks or lifetime.

Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I’ll leave you with this:

Maybe the blame is too much for one person to carry. Perhaps there’s multiple sources. Maybe it’s just me and him alone. Maybe it’s a little of everything I’ve said.

Then again, perhaps it’s all perspective.