Not again

There’s this boy.

There’s this boy that I thought I was over with already. A few nights ago when I saw him again after months, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t.

It’s you.

Our relationship was quite a mess. We were committed to one another at some point and we were in each other’s lives for two years. At least you were in mine for two full years. In my mind and in my dreams.

I was never over you. I know that now.

All the breaks we had, where we didn’t talk – I was still thinking about you all those times. We were only together when you wanted us to be. The rest of the time I was just waiting for you to want me again. Longing to hear those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. Waiting for your hand to be back in mine.

Two years of good times and bad.

But then you got a girl and we stopped talking.

I was with this other guy. I was over you. Of course I was. I rarely even thought about you anymore.

Then the other night I saw you. We barely talked. But I’m used to that. No talking and then suddenly we were back in each other’s lives.

God, you are so hard to figure out. But I think I got you figured out this time.

Now I’ve got all these feeling back in my body. Feelings I thought I no longer had – but know now that I’d just hidden away in a tiny box and kept in my heart (and maybe forgotten a little bit about.)

The other day, just seeing you and being in your presence opened that box, and along with the wondering came nostalgic thoughts of you and us, which have now filled up my heart. My heart pumps all these feelings through my body, and I am desperately trying to squish them back into the little box, so it doesn’t hurt so much. The feelings won’t go away, but at least when I keep them in one place, it’s not as painful as when I have them pumping through my every vein.

Just please, do not open the box.

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