My First Love

You were my first love, and first loves are hard to forget. I truly believe that the first person you fall in love with will always have a piece of your heart. It’s never whole again- no matter how much you move on, how many more people you fall in love with, or how much you give to the next person- there’s something special about the first time you give your heart away. Or maybe it’s because your first love usually ends up in your first real heartbreak and you never quite get all of the pieces back.

I don’t know what kept me with you for those 2 years. I was young, naive, and immature i guess. But i loved you. Oh man, did I love you. I think i would have fought to be with you until i couldn’t go on. I would have been content being with you and only you forever and ever. But you didn’t feel the same. And to fight any longer would be foolish. You gave up on me not once, but twice, and it broke me down more and more. You treated me terrible in those last few weeks, as if I were a stranger you never even cared about. You left me a ghost. You left me broken.

It took so long for me to get back on my own two feet and finally feel anything again. And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase…time heals. But healing doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It’s like a scar. There’s the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you’d rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it’s never gone. There’s always something to remind you.

And then I met him, and he swept me off my feet. He made me laugh, he listened to me and all my stories, he was fun and cute and I actually don’t think of you when I’m with him. Everything that hurt finally went away with a flash of his smile and with the touch of his hand. I like him but every now and then you slip into my dreams, out of nowhere, just like in real life and in my dreams I miss you.

I’m over you, I am, I worked way too hard at it not to be. But when I get a text alert at 2:30 in the morning, and I see your name on the caller ID, my head and heart start a war. I don’t think it’s love, i think it’s missing who you were.

But for some reason tonight, it hit me hard. You know me way too well not to know how to win my heart, even for five seconds. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for what you did to me back when. I hate you for making me second guess the perfection I feel now. I hate you for never really disappearing from my life. I hate you for having the nerve to ever even think I’d take you back. I hate you for your late night texts. I hate you for who you’ve become. I hate you for it all.
And maybe I’d never admit it, to you or myself out loud, but…I just have a weird feeling that our story isn’t over. But clearly I’m the only one thinking that.

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