Just a replacement

I miss love. I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you just to ask how you felt today. Going online on facebook to ask about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die.

I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to. I learned to love myself more than anyone and anything. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Will I even get pass the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

I will fall in love again..

One day, I will fall in love again. It won’t be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, eventually. And when I do, I plan to fall madly, passionately, unabashedly, head-over-heels in love—AGAIN.

 I’m saying again because I already felt that way once. I’m positive that I already had a great love in this lifetime—but just because I did doesn’t mean I can’t have another one.

 I’ve been so resistant to even just the thought of finding new love and I think I’ve finally figured out why. While I didn’t want to settle for someone that would make me feel less than I did for him, I was more scared that I might actually find someone who would make me feel MORE. I was convinced that my past relationship was more epic than everyone else’s—or at least right up there with the greats. (Think Romeo and Juliet, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Carrie and Big, etc.) I still am. I guess only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong… But now I know that it doesn’t even matter.

 I don’t know what it’s going to be like next time I fall in love. It might be just as great, or it might just turn out to be beyond-my-wildest-dreams-GREATER. But whatever it may be, it’s not going to rewrite history and change how much I felt for great love # 1.

 That’s not necessarily bad for great love # 2 or 3 or so on…

 I didn’t say all those things because I’m not over him, but because I have finally accepted that it’s over between us. FINALLY.

 I admit, I’m not totally over him—but I’m getting there. I say that not in a pathetic, self-soothing manner, but in an honest to goodness HOPEFUL way. I think a nudge in the right direction might be all I need at this point.

 I know there might still be a handful of wrong men the universe will throw in my direction before I get to be with THE ONE, but I look forward to them all. I’m just so excited to feel something for someone else again.

This is getting really old

PERPLEXED. Nothing best describes how I feel about what happened between us better than that. I can barely remember what we talked about the last time. All I remember is you telling me how you weren’t happy anymore, and how you didnt want me to fight for us, and how it might be better for us to just be friends, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 FRIENDS. Yeah, right. I believe you cant be friends RIGHT AWAY with your ex. Especially if you’re still in-love with him/her. I cant pretend to be your friend when I know I want to be more than that. I cant stand seeing you happy and dating new girls and pretend that it’s alright with me because its not. I cant be your friend because you’ve hurt me, because you’ve disappointed me and because you gave up on me.  We cant be friends, just NOT NOW. Maybe we can be friends when Ive moved on completely, when Im not hurt and angry anymore for what you did to me, when I fully accept that we can no longer be together anymore, when I can finally say that “Im happy for you” with sincerity when I see you with your new girl. When Im ready, I’ll come around and mybe by then, we can be FRIENDS.

US. There’s no more us. And chances are, there won’t be an “us” in the near future. You don’t seem to be interested at all in working things out or reconnecting, or pretty much having to do anything with me at all. And honestly, I’m tired of trying.

 TIRED. I’m so tired of trying to figure things out; trying to understand what to believe and what not to believe. I’m so tired of seeing you all the time and seeing a completely different person each time. In fact, just thinking of you completely tires me out that I just wind up pushing away thoughts of you.

 THOUGHTS. Sometimes I get these thoughts… What if one day you realize you made a mistake when you decided to end it? What if one day you decide you want to get back together? Truth is, I’m not even sure I would want you to. I’m not even sure I would take you back.

 TRUTH. The truth is, I still love you. I think I always will. But the truth is, maybe we’re both really better off without each other. The truth is, I hope I’ll stop caring and writing about you ‘cause this is getting really old.