Finally

I’m smiling again.

 People kept telling me that this day would eventually come, but I seriously had my doubts.

 While I’m not quite ready yet to get involved with anyone else, I’m okay just working on my relationship with ME. Yes, I could get in a meaningless thing with some guy, but that’s not me. I thought about it, especially when I sort of found out that HE was seeing someone new. But you know what? I didn’t want to do something just to get even, because if so, I’d be doing it FOR HIM, still. Thank God for Gossip Girl, and that line from Blair Waldorf, “Someday I know I’d kiss somebody, and when I do it, it will be for me”. I admit, it did sting that he moved on so quickly. But there’s nothing I can do about that. He chose to do that. And I choose to stay true to what my heart tells me.

 We all cope in different ways. Funny, though, how it’s only now that I’m learning to cope the right way. I used to be the one to jump from one relationship to another, from one guy to the next. It worked for me then, but it didn’t prepare me for this. So now, here I am, letting myself heal the right way… Teaching myself to forget someone I really, truly loved. Okay, forgetting him completely might be too ambitious, but at least forgetting the possibility of us ending up together.

 For a long time I held on to the thought of us getting back together eventually. The thought that he would come to his senses, realize what a fool he was for letting me go, and do everything he can to win me back. The thought that he would never find anything that would measure up to what we had. Sure, those thoughts provided me some much needed comfort. BUT, they also prevented me from looking ahead and seeing that there might be something better out there for me.

 I resisted change. I kept telling him, myself, and everyone who would listen that I WAS SURE HE WAS THE ONE. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was just meant to teach me a thing or two about love?A part of me still hopes to see him rueful one day. But that day may never come, and if it doesn’t, I’m glad that I can say at this point that I think I’d be fine.

Moving on is as much a state of mind as it is a choice.  I’m embarrassed that it took me a harsh reality check (a confrontation/talk withn him while his new girl was there watching everything) to finally decide that it was time to let go. It was time to salvage what dignity I had left.