It’s been a few weeks. Strange, as I still have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I’ve yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I’m a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they “saw”.
I’ve been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn’t taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance and that everything would be back to normal. But I guess that one night wasnt enough for him to realize I was the girl he would fight for. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me good. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn’t be in his arms. And I’d feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn’t know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now.
All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don’t know whether it’s all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I would fight for him no matter what happens as long as he still loves me. It was wrong, too stupid of me, to fight when he doesnt even want me to stay anymore. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the idea of love being “enough to conquer all” in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it’s Nicholas Sparks or lifetime.
Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I’ll leave you with this:
Maybe the blame is too much for one person to carry. Perhaps there’s multiple sources. Maybe it’s just me and him alone. Maybe it’s a little of everything I’ve said.
Then again, perhaps it’s all perspective.