I wanna have a new start.
I wish I could just leave the country and start fresh in another place. A place where I know no one, a place where I know I wouldnt run into you or our friends, a place wherein I wouldnt have to close my eyes and miss you whenever I’d hangout in places we’d usually go or eat at, a place where I could breathe again, a place where I wouldnt be reminded of you. But I cant leave, it’s not as simple as that. It’s not as easy as how the movies make it seem.
This moving on process is too much for me.
For two months Ive been doing the “so-called” steps in the process of moving on yet I have made no progress. My friends would tell me that I wasnt trying hard enough but God knows I have. And so everyday I try to think of a solution to my misery and hope that my new ideas would eventually work.
Last week, Ive made a big decision. I decided to cut communication with ALL our common friends for the mean time ( well, originally all our common friends are yours not mine). It’s not something that I would usually do but cutting off from all possible forms of communication was the best thing that I could think of to avoid questions leading to “How are you?” or “How are you and…?”. I haven’t been replying to my friends’ messages, deactivated all my social networks such as my facebook and twitter, haven’t been going to whatever was going down that Friday/Saturday night, and have been avoiding places I know I’d see people I know. This was the only way I could have a new start.
It’s selfish I know. All our friends, they’ve become so close to me, to my heart and they’ve been there for me in every step, every challenge, joy and pain Ive been through ever since they became my friends as well. Some were even like the sisters I never had..but the thing is Ive met them through you and you too are close to their hearts. I wouldnt want to steal them from you since you are theirs truly and so for the mean time I’m cutting connections.
Im just doing this because I really want to start fresh, I want to hear nothing about you. Nothing.
With this, maybe moving on would easier.
It’s been a few weeks. Strange, as I still have had a lot on my mind. Somewhere between my choices this last week, and the decisions I’ve yet to make, I lost the ability to blog. I suppose I’m a little overwhelmed by everything going on inside my mind, and the aching in my heart. Everyone wants to know. Some are afraid to ask so they beat around the bush, while others push for information. And then some, cone to their own conclusions based on what he said, she said or what they “saw”.
I’ve been thinking. Sorting out all of these damn ideas and thoughts in my head. For awhile I felt it coming. I was quick to blame him for the distance that had suddenly started to grow between us. I was losing patience and he wasn’t taking me, or the situation seriously. I kept thinking that all it would take to settle my ugly butterflies and irritability was just one night. One dinner. One movie. One kiss. One glance and that everything would be back to normal. But I guess that one night wasnt enough for him to realize I was the girl he would fight for. I had been growing irritable and frustrated with his nonchalant attitude to my subtle hints and quiet pleas. I was happy to be his because despite this, he treated me good. I would feel angry, hurt, alone and grumpy when I thought about how I couldn’t be in his arms. And I’d feel ashamed of myself for the bitterness I had. I didn’t know how I could one minute have so much patience and be telling myself he was worth waiting a million years for, and the next be so angry for not having him now.
All of these questions and thoughts flew amongst others through my mind. I don’t know whether it’s all females, or if I stand alone, but i feel the need to be a rescuer. I played the role of savior to my ex, or at least I tried. And I told myself, at the beginning of this relationship, that I would fight for him no matter what happens as long as he still loves me. It was wrong, too stupid of me, to fight when he doesnt even want me to stay anymore. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean were not going to do it though. Maybe Hollywood is to blame for putting the idea of love being “enough to conquer all” in our head. Maybe Disney. Maybe it’s Nicholas Sparks or lifetime.
Its apparent that no reason is not reason enough for anyone these days. So for everyone asking what happened, and who or what was to blame, I’ll leave you with this:
Maybe the blame is too much for one person to carry. Perhaps there’s multiple sources. Maybe it’s just me and him alone. Maybe it’s a little of everything I’ve said.
Then again, perhaps it’s all perspective.
I wanna scream
I wanna cut myself open
and watch the blood drain the ache from my raging heart
I wanna be punished
drink to oblivion
I wanna lose myself in a moment with a random guy
but I won’t do any of it …
Instead I let my tears
bring cooling relief to my heart
as little by little they slide down hot cheeks
I’ll search for answers and find the lesson in my heart
why this had to be
and I’ll pray to stop wanting you back
or for you to see with my eyes
the beauty of you
the beauty of me
and the wonderful thing that was us.
In all honesty
I miss you more than ever.
I miss the way my name sounded when you said it.
I miss how much you teased me.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss the way you kissed me.
I miss seeing you smile and laugh with me.
I miss being your reason to smile.
I miss being your girl.
I miss your friends.
I miss watching movies with you.
I miss lying in bed with you.
I miss tickling you.
I miss your laugh, your funny weird gay laugh.
I miss the way you would sing to me, even though you know you sounded pathetic.
I miss your voice.
I haven’t heard your voice in a week.
I miss it.
I miss being in love with you.
I miss you being in love with me.
I miss talking to you.
I miss telling you everything.
I miss being your best friend.
I miss the smell of your perfume.
I miss the texture of your hair.
I miss staring into your eyes,
I miss having you stare into mine.
I miss how you repeat the silly stuff I say.
I miss your lips.
I miss kissing you.
I miss the way our tongues would wrap around each other.
I miss feeling your hands on my lower back.
I miss feeling them everywhere.
I miss wrestling with you.
I miss hugging you.
I miss cuddling.
I miss being told how beautiful I am by you,
you made me believe it.
I miss having someone to love with all that I am.
I miss having you.
I miss all the good times.
I miss waiting for you to come to me at my place.
I miss your calls every time you were on your way home from school.
I miss swimming with you.
I miss your arms.
I miss walking around with you.
I miss everything, but I have to accept the fact I can no longer be with you and you can no longer be with me. All I can do is just miss you and do nothing.
And it hurts because I know you’re not feeling the same.
You make them. You get to know them. You learn to understand them. You grow to love them. You protect and defend them. You may lose them, it depends. You move on. There’s nothing you can do. But your real friends, they wont leave you NO MATTER WHAT.
Your friends mean the world to you at some point in time. You can relate to them, they can relate to you. They are your family. Your brothers. Your sisters. Yet with one action with one phrase what took years to establish, it can be easily toppled down.
You guys no longer hangout. No longer talk. You miss them. You hate them. You love them. You move on. Friends will come and go. But the memories stay forever and the good ones will always stay.